Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me:lmao I saw it on Twitter

them: what’s your Twitter

me: I don’t have Twitter

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

doctor: “we can’t bring your husband out of a coma. It’s already been 2 weeks.”

Me: “hang on I have an idea” [buys a truck without towing package]

Husband: [both eyes pop open]

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.

I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.

Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.