I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
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My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
technique
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Unmatched
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls