Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?