I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
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The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.