I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
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[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”