I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
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I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
🤣😂🤣😂
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.