I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
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that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
I forgot how to panic. Help
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.