Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning

INTERNET IS DOWN

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me