Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

Candles never taste the way they smell

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

Spotted in New Orleans.

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.