I like how “not my circus, not my monkeys” softly implies that you DO have a circus—perhaps even complete with monkeys—but this isn’t it
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On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️