Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Big Sex has us all fooled

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

3: I wuv you Mommy.

Me: I love you too!

3: Don’t talk to me.

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter