Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.