Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

This rocks

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

linkedin the good parts

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

Help Wanted

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”