I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
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If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
My fantasy football season is going great
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?