I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
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that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
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I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk