Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

2023 was just a warmup

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.