I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
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Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.