Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

my dog when i have a friend over

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

Yes, this is exactly right

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store