I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
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[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Are these grass-fed oranges?
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”