I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
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“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
ew if literal: let me be clear
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Very problematic
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Watson was Holmes schooled
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.