I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
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“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards