I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
You Might Also Like
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.