Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

How is it still this week?

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

*limbos under the caution tape

BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?

Me: Midnight77

BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign

Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes

Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol