I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
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Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.