I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
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I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.