Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

My boss called in sick of me

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

Home #decor warning.

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

This is my emotional support knife.

😲 WTF? 😆

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

God, I love Scotland