I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
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“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?