I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
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“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Kids: Stay in school.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this