I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
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A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Are we there yet?…
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse