Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

Good morning

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”