Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

who’s gonna tell her?

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.