Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

My Guy

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em