I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
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me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
