I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
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Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Meow
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer