I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
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I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal