I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
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WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
What the hell happened in there??
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”