I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
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Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.