I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
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Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.