I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
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[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *