I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
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[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Have kids, they said
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.