I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
opening twitter today
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
applying for a new job
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?