I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
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UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom