I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
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Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes