I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
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if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work