I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
💀🤣
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
i feel so bad i refunded him
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
i baked you a cake
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
