I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
😾
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
