@audipenny

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

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@TheGoodGodAbove

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

@junejuly12

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

@molly7anne

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

@MacMcCannTX

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

@amphy1981

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

@hippieswordfish

ME: i thought i saw a new color today
WIFE: wait- is this..are you..
M: but it-
W: oh no
M: was just-
W: dont
M: a pigment of my imagination

@thepunningman

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

@InternetHippo

How do you know if a website really likes you or only wants you for your data

@illingsworth

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.