I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
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Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Put the is in disheveled
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)