I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

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We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.


My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.


Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.


tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead


When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.


We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol


[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus


Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.


The cruelest part of the movie Bambi?nnnnHis mom named him “Bambi.” nnShe deserved what she got for that.


Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?

Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system