I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

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5yo: I can’t wear those socks today. They say Wednesday. Me: If anyone notices, tell them you’re here from the future to save the world.


[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.


I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.


To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.


Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps


BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.


Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.


ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*