I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
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waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages