No one has seen you look worse than the gas station closest to your house.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
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*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Therapist: How do you deal with the negative people?
Me: Put their name on my kill list.
Therapist: Please don’t do that.
Me: I’ll try to stop.
*Writes Therapists name on kill list*
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.