@bust2nut

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

You Might Also Like

@Ryanfc706

No one has seen you look worse than the gas station closest to your house.

@rhysjamesy

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

@thevaginadiary

Therapist: How do you deal with the negative people?

Me: Put their name on my kill list.

Therapist: Please don’t do that.

Me: I’ll try to stop.

*Writes Therapists name on kill list*

@jordan_stratton

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

@fro_vo

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

@HatfieldAnne

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

@Brampersandon_

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

@UnFitz

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.