I like it thick and deep
Pizza
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4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
For when Tinder doesn’t work
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Nice try, poison.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.