I like it thick and deep
Pizza
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This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
#inspiration #foodforthought
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*