I like it thick and deep
Pizza
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HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Every work call, he judges.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
doing some research
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me