I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
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Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Help
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no