I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
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“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…
Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.