I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
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Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
God has abandoned us.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Sounds like a real hoot.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.