i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
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Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Battery falling down a hole
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.