Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

Eat…

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.