Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

work smarter, not harder

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted