I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
You Might Also Like
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Good morning y’all ☀️
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes