Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!