Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

Saw online –

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.