Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily