Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

[INFOMERCIAL]

“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.