Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

You have an IOS update.

Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.

Me: OMG, what!?

Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.

Me: Phew.

Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

Hello Twits.

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

I think I’m gonna be sick

subtitles are so good nowadays

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.