Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem