Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“and you are November’s PM yes?”

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?