Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top