Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

Hilarious if literal: arms race