I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
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good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
A family that plays together cheats.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”