Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

Happy Taco Tuesday

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.