Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.