I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
You Might Also Like
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.