Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

meanwhile over on facebook

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.